In this post, I am talking all about People Pleasing. I am going to share what people-pleasing is, why we tend to do it, and what issues it creates for us in the process. So if you think you have people-pleasing tendencies, listen in to gain insight into this behavior and know how to move beyond it.

A people pleaser is someone that will constantly strive to please others in an effort to make them happy and maintain peace. The goal or byproduct that a people pleaser is seeking is many times to avoid any confrontation or displeasure. A downside is that all of this often comes at a cost to themselves, the people pleaser. They tend to be highly aware of other’s needs but have a hard time advocating for themselves which can lead to resentment over time.

People pleasing can sometimes fall under our radar because it can present itself as kindness, or being helpful and agreeable. However, what could reside underneath is unhealed pain that has the individual taking on this responsibility. The people pleaser would typically not choose this behavior or the associated outcome. It feels necessary. It isn’t.

How about we dig into some examples of what people-pleasing behaviors would actually look like. As I go through these, notice which ones resonate most with you.

You always say yes. 

You take the blame when it is not yours to take.

You try to avoid any and all conflict. 

You feel constantly burdened by others’ feelings and don’t want to hurt anyone.

You will rarely accept praise or credit for something.

You tend to apologize frequently.

You have a physical reaction to letting others down.

You agree with others even when you really disagree.

You try to act like everyone around you. 

You want everyone to like you, sometimes even those people you aren’t that fond of.

You take on too much responsibility leading you to avoid what you need to tend to. This leads to stress and burnout. 

You want to avoid conflict at all costs. 

Time for your own self-care never makes the list.

It’s very hard for you to hear criticism of any kind. 

Did any of those resonate with you? I know I can see so many that used to be present in my life and some that I am still working on.

This may sound a little crazy but I have even noticed that I had tendencies for people pleasing in our latest home remodeling project. I would get very uneasy about pointing out any issues that needed to be rectified. I was so worried about conflict or having people think I am too picky that I would feel these feelings coming up when the time came to talk about it. Isn’t that interesting? The difference is that I noticed it right away and I coached myself on working through it so I could get to the outcome I wanted. The fact is, these individuals were more than willing to take care of our needs, they gave me no reason not to be honest and open. This was all from my own background and beliefs. These were stories in my own mind. 

So let’s talk a little bit about the reasons that lead to our people pleasing? Where this can come from. See if you can connect any of these examples to your life story. 

You have low self-esteem

You fear being rejected

You want to avoid conflict

You don’t want to disappoint others.

Maybe you want something from them in return so it is more intentional on your part.

You want to fit in and you want others to like you.

You feel guilty saying no.

You look for external validation and lack self-love. 

You are a genuinely compassionate person. 

You were exposed to a people-pleaser parent or caregiver. 

You fear a lack of safety and security in a relationship.

I know for me, I can look back at my past and see the habits and patterns. I can see how my people-pleasing has been present since childhood. 

Often we develop this habit from exposure and our environment when we are younger. For example, you may have had a parent that you were focused on pleasing in order to win affection and attention. This can be the formative years when this habit begins. Once it is repeated, the habit can begin to be on autopilot. When you think back, can you find your earliest memories of being a people pleaser? Did you have a parent or caregiver that exampled this behavior? Or were you placed in a situation where you became the one doing the pleasing to a parent or caregiver? I’ve seen countless examples where children were in a family where divorce came up and the child was placed in a tough situation of feeling vulnerable and fearful of their stability. Trying hard to please one parent or both. To not be a problem for the parent who was already handling their own emotional difficulties. These realities were not your fault. They just were. It doesn’t mean you have to continue the behaviors learned during this phase of your life. 

I believe childhood is where my tendency originated. My father was a complicated man that had his own mental baggage. As a small child, I didn’t know this at all. I looked up to my Dad, I really put him on a pedestal of someone that I admired and thought was so powerful and strong. I craved his attention and recognition. A big part of my focus was to do something that pleased him. I knew that my Mom was a safe place for me, but my Dad, I couldn’t quite understand his feelings for me. I can recall wanting to be by his side as much as possible. My memories are spotty from my early years. I will have memories from certain moments in time but as a whole it is limited. 

I am grateful that I have been able to figure things out from a trail I left behind. I would write my Dad notes constantly. He kept many of them…I would say at least 100 or so. When I got married he presented me with this nice wooden box containing all the letters and a scrapbook that he made for me. Very touching. However, looking back at those notes, it was evident how much pain, sadness, and longing for his love and affection was contained in those letters. So it was an odd exchange. I reminisced through notes from age 7 and up.  I was asking him to please stop working so much. Can you please be there for Christmas? What can I do to make your life less busy? Will you spend time with me? Why can’t you make time for me? It was like a repeating theme in these notes.

So for me, I now can see that I began people-pleasing at a very young age. I learned this behavior. If I pleased my Dad, I felt a positive emotional connection in return. If I didn’t please him, I felt a negative one. It doesn’t take long for the child’s brain to catch on to this pattern and make a long-lasting impression within your brain, that it is good to make others happy no matter what. 

After doing this for many years, I recognized that along the way, I lost my own voice. I ignored myself for so long that I began to send myself the message that I don’t matter. I began to worry less about my emotional health, and my desires and I worried about what others thought of me. We can get quite good at people-pleasing. And on the outside, it looks like we are just easygoing, agreeable people. What can be the harm in that? Well, the harm is to ourselves. We can’t walk the middle ground. Of being kind and helpful to others without suppressing who and what we are.

But there is a price for this behavior left unchecked. We find ourselves losing our identity. When we don’t honor who and what we stand for, we will lose this connection to ourselves. We also build up resentment toward others and ourselves. We get angry and stressed from this being out of alignment which could present an emotional and physical toll on our well-being.  And it also will lead to low-quality relationships. When we aren’t being authentic the foundation of the relationship is on shaky ground. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but eventually, we may find ourselves in a stressful period of the relationship because we just can’t keep this up any longer. 

This is a cycle and we can get ourselves unstuck.

So where do we begin to change this behavior?

The first crucial step in changing your people-pleasing habits is to notice when and why you do it. Awareness and acknowledgment. Since it can become an automatic behavior, you’ll need to start catching yourself.

Once you catch yourself and notice this habit try to notice your patterns with it. Do you tend to do it more with certain people? In certain situations? Notice when you have a rise in your feelings, as this can be an indicator of when we go into autopilot. 

Then ask yourself the powerful question of why? Why do I feel the need to people-please this person? When you understand the why, you can cut ties with this behavior. You can decide you want to change it when you understand better why it is happening. 

The next critical part of the process of healing is to build your self-esteem. Do you believe wholeheartedly that you are 100% worthy? You don’t? Why? We are all born worthy and nothing we do changes that. Yes, we make mistakes, and we do and say the wrong things sometimes, but that never diminishes our value as a human being walking this earth. We need to believe again that we deserve love and before we want anyone else to love us, we must be able to love ourselves. All of us. The good and the bad. 

Beyond that, it really comes down to boundaries and communication. Creating healthy boundaries for yourself is important. Boundaries are simply knowing what it is you will and will not do. And then being able to communicate with honesty and transparency. We need to stop assuming what we think others want to hear and honor what our truth is. Sure, we will begin to learn who loves us for who we are rather than the former people-pleasing version we were previously. That is ok. Our relationships may evolve and change. This is normal. 

So I’ll leave you with this. Remind yourself daily that you can’t be everything to everyone. You spend the most time with yourself so do it for  YOU. Start small, focus on one person, one situation that keeps coming up. Keep notes in a journal while you are in this process of discovery. Just know that uncomfortable feelings will come up and they are a normal part of this process. You are doing this for the future you. The one that wants to feel more peaceful and content. Who doesn’t have to be something you are not. You get to honor your voice. People-pleasing is a habit. If you want to change it, let’s get to work!

“The greatest gift you can give yourself is letting go of other people’s expectations for your life.”

Rachel Hollis