Are you constantly running on empty because you’re trying to make sure everyone around you is perfectly happy?
Maybe you’re saying “yes” to every summer invite, biting your tongue to keep the peace, or over-scheduling your life out of pure guilt.
We like to tell ourselves that we are just being nice or supportive. But the hard truth is that constantly chasing approval isn’t kindness…it’s a survival strategy that forces you to completely abandon yourself.
The trickiest part about the people-pleasing trap is that most of us don’t even know we are in it.
Where the Script Begins
When I look back, my own addiction to approval started with my father. He was a commanding, professional businessman, and his approval felt incredibly fleeting and hard to catch. As a young girl, I went into hyper-vigilance mode. I did everything I could to comply, to perform, and to find a sign that he was proud of me.
Eventually, by my early teenage years, I got tired of chasing it and swung to the complete opposite extreme. I became a rebel, making harmful choices for my own health and safety, driven by that raw, unfulfilled need for support. By my early 20s, I was deeply resentful, burned out, and operating as a demanding, controlling individual because I was just so exhausted from trying to please everyone.
Even inside our family business as an adult with my own family, I can see where that programming ran the show.
I would make choices that weren’t in my or my family’s best interest. I would prioritize work and leave my own family in moments when I really should have been present, all because I felt this tremendous pressure to perform to the expectations that had been laid out for me since childhood.
Do you know what that feels like? To constantly look for outside cues that you are doing “good,” while completely forgetting about yourself?
The Ultimate End-Game of “Going with the Flow”
When you live like this, your own desires get buried so deep that you don’t even know how to think about them first.
I saw the ultimate end-game of this pattern just recently during a conversation with my 83-year-old mother. I asked her some of the most basic questions you could ask a person:
- What’s your favorite color?
- What’s your favorite flower?
- What’s your favorite song?
She just looked at me, completely bewildered.
After living a long life in a relationship where the other person demanded their needs come first, she had completely forgotten what it even meant to have her own desires. She had become like jello, just going with the flow to keep the peace.
Seeing that made me pause. And while I didn’t go to that exact extreme, I realized that instead of becoming jello, I had been hoarding a tremendous amount of resentment inside my body and mind.
The Illusion of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is an illusion.
We lean into that maternal, nurturing conditioning that tells us it’s our job to ensure everyone else is taken care of, and we worry that focusing on ourselves is “selfish.”
But here is the reality check: when you constantly reject your own needs to secure someone else’s approval, you disconnect from yourself. It completely erodes your self-respect and crushes your confidence.
Personal growth isn’t about swinging from one extreme to the other. I don’t want you to become a reckless rebel who doesn’t care about anyone else at all. It is about finding the healthy middle ground.
How do you honor your own needs and desires while still being a caring, supportive, and loving person to others?
Reclaiming Your Authenticity
It starts with reclaiming your authenticity.
Authenticity is simply the quality of being genuine, real, and true to yourself. It means aligning your actions and your words with your core values, rather than pretending to be someone you aren’t just to keep the room calm.
Think about a tree planted in the wrong environment. It might survive, but it’s always going to struggle to thrive. When you plant that same tree in the soil, sunlight, and conditions that actually fit its nature, growth becomes natural.
Authenticity isn’t about becoming someone brand new; it’s about removing the layers of expectations you inherited so you can finally grow from a place that is true to you.
When you choose to close that gap, the internal conflict stops. Your decision-making gets clearer, your relationships get healthier because people are connecting with the real you, and your resilience skyrockets.
Ready to Break the Approval Loop?
If you’ve realized that no amount of saying “yes” or “going with the flow” can cure the underlying resentment of living for everyone else, you don’t have to navigate the way back to yourself alone.
I work 1-on-1 with those who are ready to stop trading their authenticity to be liked and finally build a life where their peace is non-negotiable. Here are some next steps. You’ve set yourself on fire to keep others warm long enough. It’s time to breathe again.
Click here to watch the video.
You don’t have to wait for a crisis to feel better. It’s time to find the voice to advocate for your own peace. If you’re ready to experience more peace, calm, and joy, let’s rewire your internal programming. I invite you to dive deeper:
- Pick up your copy of Why Am I Like This? to map out your own inherited triggers. You can learn more about my book at LifeCoachingwithCarisa.com/my-book.
- Ready for a personalized approach? Let’s work on expanding your capacity for peace together. Schedule a free clarity call on my website.
“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
Brené Brown