I thought it was fitting to send out a message that ties in with back to school. I know some of my followers may not be a mom, dad, or guardian of school-age kids and relate to this back-to-school topic. If that is the case maybe you know someone that this information could help. If so I encourage you to share it with them. Back to school can encompass so much for the parents, the kids, grandparents, teachers…so many are impacted by the back-to-school routines that are starting back up. 

OK, so my husband and I only have one left in school. Our son who is 21 is currently in the working world. Our daughter is a freshman this year. It got me thinking about all the things that we as parents may encounter with our kids. I mean with every age there is something new right? I am going to focus this message on the…..back to school battles. And I don’t mean to make this sounds so scary by using the word battle. But I want to be real here for anyone that is in the thick of it and not having an easy go of getting their kids ready for back to school. Because it happens and if we aren’t in that place yet, there may come a day when we are, and the better prepared we can be for it, the better decisions we will make on how to handle it. 

I wanted to touch on a couple things. On one side I want to talk about what the parents are feeling and the other is that I want to talk about what the struggles are for our kids in various age groups. Because these battles can vary depending on the age of your child. 

Maybe your child is starting preschool and your battle so to speak will be helping them let go of you while they are in this new environment with new faces. This is equally tough on the parents as well as the child. But it is a normal phase of growing up. Maybe your child is a sophomore or junior and they have lost their love and excitement of learning and you are concerned about how they will get through another year. Maybe you are just trying to get your kids back on a school schedule and letting go of the more relaxed routine of summer such as sleeping in with no alarm clocks. No matter where you are on the spectrum these battles exist and they are real for us all. 

Each and every parent may experience something different in the way of a back-to-school battle with their kids. And sometimes this battle can reflect back on what sort of place the parent is in. For example, when my son was in high school, I was in a very stressful time of my life with my work and my parents. I had nothing left to offer him when he was experiencing his own battles. I had no emotional bandwidth to offer him and therefore he had to try to cope on his own without an ally. Where are you at on the emotional spectrum? Are you calm and have the capacity to handle challenges and upsets brought on by your children? Or are you hanging on tightly to everything falling into place and keeping the ship full speed ahead?

It’s just really good to know. No right or wrong. Whatever place we are in, the reality we are in. We have so much to gain just by knowing it. 

If you are the one hanging on, let’s start by trying to get you feeling a little lighter about all this and maybe even a bit more emotionally prepared so that we can do our best to be a calm in the storm for our kids. 

I saw a study on research.com where middle schoolers shared their top concerns. They were to get good grades, look good, and fit in socially. How many of us would say yes sign me up. I loved middle school and would love to go back! Doubtful right? This study also shared that 75% of US teens in high school feel anger, sadness, fear, boredom, and stress while in school. What tools do they have to cope with this on a daily basis? Some options are not so great. After high school, we aren’t done as this continues into college. 40% of college students stated that they are not adequately rested 5 out of the 7 days in a week. They are lacking sleep which adds stress to their brains and bodies. What does stress do? It interferes with the ability to make solid decisions. So what does all this tell us? Our kids are trying to do the best they know how. From early on through college and then this actually continues into adulthood. Every child is different. It would be negligent of me to think that my kids are just like me. That they view the world and their experiences the same as I did, or the same as a sibling. Each of us is unique in our experience and our view. The more we can honor and accept their individual experience, the stronger our ability to communicate with them will be. 

I do believe we have this thought error that stress is only for adults. I wholeheartedly believe this is not true. Our kids are presenting symptoms of stress whether we like it or not. The more flexible and patient we can be for our kids, the better skills they will build for handling their own variety of stress. How many of us would say we are good at handling our own stress? Let alone supporting our kids through theirs. 

Ok, so I have talked about the potential for problems and battles. Let’s dig into some key takeaways to be mindful of as your kids head back to school…

1. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Parents and caregivers. Watch your own emotions. Notice when they are hanging out on the positive spectrum or the negative spectrum. Describe how you are feeling on a daily basis to yourself. Today I feel anxious. I feel worried. I feel concerned. I feel frustrated. I am on edge or angry. Today I am optimistic, content, and peaceful. The more we can be in touch with our feelings and name the emotion the better off we are. Because the more we learn that we can feel our feelings (good and bad) and it doesn’t have to dictate how we respond and react, we can model this to our kids. This is something they need to see. The parent experiencing a spectrum of emotions and working through that in healthy ways. 
2. Work to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t smother them with a ton of questions after school. Just let them know you are there should they want to share anything. Rather than Did you have a good day as soon as you see them. How about asking let’s all share how our day went at dinner time. Or I’d love to hear about everyone’s day. The good and the bad. All too often I believe we as parents are wanting to hear something good from our kids about their day so we can breathe a sigh of relief. Notice if that is the energy you have. If you feel anxious as to what their answer will be. Check yourself. What would you need to be thinking and feeling to be ok with whatever they share as their experience? Can you hold space for that? Why not?
3. Don’t be so rigid and jump to conclusions. I know this because I was there. I wanted perfection from my kids because that meant I was doing a good job. A healthy life is so much more than grades and attendance. It is actually how well they can handle the ups and downs of life. So let’s stop trying to save our kids from feeling discomfort and wanting only the BEST for them. It sounds admirable but it can be toxic and overwhelming with the expectation and pressure that we place on them. Sure they may get by for a while dealing with it, but over time it could present issues that come to a head later on. 
4. Spend time thinking about the changes your child is going through and what would be the best approach for you to take in various situations. This really applies to all ages. Think about this. If you are a Mom do you recall when you were pregnant and you could follow along with every stage of your baby’s growth? I can remember with both of my kids getting those emails every week telling me that the baby is now the size of an eggplant and this is what is happening in their developing body. I think we as parents could benefit greatly from receiving updates like this ongoing. I know this may seem a little silly but it’s true. As parents, we get so wrapped up in our own responsibilities and all that we need to handle. Being aware of what changes our kids are going through can be difficult. 

If you search you can find tons of content that will break developmental milestones down into age ranges. They share things such as… what I am like and what I need at this stage. It typically offers this for each month up to 1 year and then at different intervals. So for example with my daughter being 14, if I researched her I would see things like….I am changing so fast. My mind, body, and emotions. One day I can be as responsible and cooperative as an adult and the next day I may respond like a 7-year-old. Planning beyond one day at a time can be a challenge. One minute I am chatty and enthusiastic and the next minute I am silent and gloomy. I don’t want to be teased and I need my privacy. They need patience from us. They crave for us to be the one steady constant in their life that has been disrupted by growth and change. 

Ok, so that is just an example of what I would find for my 14-year-old. Can you see how that puts things in perspective for me? It reminds me that so much of what is going on for her right now has very little to do with me. So I don’t need to get my feelings hurt. I don’t need to be overly sensitive to her tone. It will do no good for me to have high expectations in areas that she is trying to figure out. So that was a long tip and the last one….but think about it. Do some research on what to expect when your child is developing and use that information as tools in your toolbox. The same tools we perfect when they are babies, toddlers, and tweens are not going to work anymore as they move from teenagers to adults. A little bit of effort on your part will go a long way in cultivating a healthy relationship. 

Take it one day at a time and just be present for your kids no matter what age as they embark on their back-to-school journey. Have a little grace and a lot of patience. We will all have our own version of back-to-school battles. If we can work on being proactive and maintain a low emotional temperature we can improve the outlook greatly. 

Alright everyone, thanks for reading and investing time in yourself, your family, and your overall well-being. We’ve got this parents!

If you feel like you could use support with the battles you’re having with your children. I am always available to discuss how I can help. You can reach me at lifecoachingwithcarisa.com.

“Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time.”

Hebrew Proverb