I am back to talk about our mental health. Specifically, I want to make the point that healthy mental health does not equal happy.

The World Health Organization defines mental health as a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community.

Other simplified definitions I found referred to mental health as a state of mind.

So what is the definition of state of mind? A person’s mood and the effect that mood has on the person’s thinking and behavior.

What that reinforces is that our state of mind is constantly in flux because of our thoughts and behaviors. Anyone who has followed me before now knows that a big part of my life coaching practice is supporting individuals to become aware of their thinking, and belief systems and how that impacts the actions they take which gives them the results they see in their lives.

The statistics say that 1 in 5 US adults have some sort of mental illness. The more alarming statistic is that 1 in 20 US adults will have some sort of symptoms that make it hard to live their lives.

Ok so hard to live their life. What does this mean? It means that life is happening and our mental health is in such a place that it can’t support and navigate us through it. It doesn’t mean that the negative side of this 50/50 life we live needs to get better? It means that we need to take steps to support our mental health and protect ourselves from going deeper and deeper into the negative abyss and becoming depressed and frozen. Ultimately we feel like we have no options and are unable to guide ourselves out of the darkness of despair and hopelessness.

I have a firm belief that if we can catch this earlier in the process we can reduce the severity of mental health cases. What I mean is, that we can learn new tools for how to recognize what is happening in our brains and understand that we have more strength and power to overcome and change it.

So I will share myself as an example. And I am not special because every day I am working with individuals who are experiencing positive change in their lives.

I found myself at 47 years old. I was 25lbs overweight. I was drinking every evening to make me happier and take the edge off. I was not enjoying my career, or my family and I didn’t like to be alone with myself and my thoughts. I was a pessimist always looking for and thinking about what negative things could happen next. I was feeling stuck like I had no options. I would get a burst of self-preservation one week and find myself crying and depressed the next. I was feeling like a victim. I was focusing on scarcity and lack in my life and not gratitude. I was often angry, judgemental, and frustrated.

I felt as if I was on the hamster wheel of life and wanted off so badly. I would have these intrusive thoughts that I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. Thankfully I didn’t stay with those thoughts long enough for them to get louder and stronger.

Once I learned the life-changing tools that I now teach, everything changed for me. You mean life isn’t supposed to be happy all the time? You mean I don’t have to listen to this inner critic and chatter inside my head? You mean I have an inner wounded child from childhood trauma that I just learned how to cope and that is coming up in my adult life and relationships now? Do you mean I can heal this? Everything changed. Slow, steady progress made me feel lighter and lighter each and every day. Just having someone listen to what my brain was offering me and challenge it and say, but what else could also be true here? A mind-blowing perspective that I wasn’t able to give myself.

I often think back to my former self and I wonder, what might have happened if I hadn’t learned about life coaching and tried it? What might have happened to me? I can promise you that I was just hanging on and I would have surely been headed down a path of more serious mental health symptoms.

So what I want to remind you of is that healthy mental health does not equal happy. Each and every day I experience a variety of feelings. I have learned to accept that each day I will face an assortment of emotions. This is my reality. When I argue with reality I bring in unnecessary suffering. All the interactions and circumstances in my life and furthermore even the things that happened so long ago are going to bring up a variety of emotions for me. On a daily basis. All of these emotions are ok. I have to remind myself of this over and over again. One minute I am worried about something with my kids. A horrible tragedy happened in my community, and I am feeling sadness and grief. I feel regret about the relationship with my father who passed away. I feel loved after a hug with my husband. I feel inspired by a colleague. I feel joy after a friend reached out to have dinner. I feel admiration after listening to a story my Mom tells me about her life. I feel annoyed by the person at the grocery store taking too long. I feel gratitude when I think about my child having a great day at school or a good experience on the sports field. I feel angry at the driver who is cursing and gesturing at another because they think they are in the wrong and the bad driver. I could keep going on and on.

This is our reality. A life filled with ups and downs. Highs and lows. Achievements and disappointments. One step forward maybe two steps back. These things are not the issue. It is our ability to tap into tools we practice and know how to use to pull ourselves out of a downward spiral. To not stay focused on every single thing we don’t like about our partner and start working on cultivating love and compassion instead. To calm ourselves and love ourselves even when we are at our worst.

Healthy Mental Health is having a difficult experience and knowing how to practice self-care and love to guide ourselves through it. And sometimes that may mean seeking help and support. Whether it is a friend, or family member who can allow us to empty our brains. Or a life coach, therapist, or medical professional who can give us alternative options to consider.

Healthy Mental Health has nothing to do with happiness alone. It is how to ride the wave of life and not get so far off track that we can’t find our way back. I am not happy every day. That is not my goal. It is to bend and flex to what life offers me and to use the tools I have learned to maintain fulfillment, contentment, peace and gratitude. The biggest challenge I still work on, is trying to control all the outcomes in the world. My outcomes, my childrens outcomes, my spouse’s outcomes. I am still on a journey of acceptance and trust. This is a marathon not a sprint. But I sure am enjoying the journey so much more than I ever knew possible.

This is my hope and prayer for anyone struggling. Maybe you are slightly struggling or maybe you are severe. Please please take a step forward to help yourself and all those that love you. Work on your mental health each and every day. It’s the greatest work we can do to make the world a better place.

My goal is to help people with their struggles of living and enjoying their lives. I am a living example that you can learn some new tools and change your life.

“Mental health…is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

Noam Shpancer, PhD