So what is this conscious parenting term and where did it come from? 

Dr. Shefali Tsabary wrote a book called The Conscious Parent in 2010. Rooted in Western Psychology, she defines conscious parenting as having less to do with the children and more to do with the parents and their relationship with themselves. 

It is more of an approach to parenting rather than a model to follow with specific steps. 

Conscious parenting focuses on parental mindfulness, awareness, and emotional regulation. 

The idea is that a conscious parent will monitor their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to be able to make intentional, thoughtful, and emotionally centered decisions when responding to their children.

Dr Shefali advocates for us to give our children the opportunity to express who they uniquely are, to embrace their natural state of being. 

Traditional parenting which is how many of us were probably raised was to be told how to be the perfect child. The be seen and not heard mentality. To comply, follow, and be obedient. This included the associating fear, shame, and punishment. There may have been plenty of yelling. 

Traditionally, we think that it is our responsibility to mold and shape our children’s future. No one gets more defensive about their issues than that of a parent. The ego is very present.

Conscious parenting calls the parents to work on their own stuff. To raise themselves. It asks us to acknowledge that our children are born to us to create a deep internal transformation within us. 

Dr Shefali writes in her book, “Placing expectations on your child instead of allowing the child’s own natural inclinations to emerge spontaneously may well result in an emotional Grand Canyon between you and your child.” Oh, how I can relate to the idea of an emotional Grand Canyon. 

Now if this is challenging everything you know and it is making you feel a little bit uncomfortable, that is actually a good indicator that this is something you perhaps should digest and contemplate further. My aim in sharing this information with you is not to convince you to become a conscious parent. Rather, I think it is important that we continually be open to information that can support us in our growth and evolution as human beings. Sometimes we might say, well I was raised that way, and look at me, I turned out fine. Well to that I would say, did you really? Is that your truth or just something you have convinced yourself of? Many things evolve for the better in this world. Is parenting exempt from this? I don’t believe so. 

As parents, we have an overwhelming influence on the mental and physical attributes of the children we raise. And as surprising as this sounds, that influence starts even before the child is born. Experts say a child’s perception of the world is directly downloaded into the subconscious mind during the first 6 years of life and that starts in the womb. Which means we are obviously unable to choose or reject those beliefs as a child. 

Our children trust us, and so they believe and surrender to what they hear and see. What we say and do is downloaded into their subconscious memory. So what often happens is the beliefs and behaviors of the parent often become that of the child. Once they are programmed into our subconscious mind they have a lasting impact on who we are. Until a point, we become aware and determine that we would be better served by changing them. And that is where the work begins. 

You know, here are some hard facts. Our current administration released a statement that in 2021, two in five American adults reported experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression. 44% of high school students reported struggling with persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic, social media, and gun violence.  

What I see in my work is a pattern of anxious adults, many of whom are parents who are doing the best they know how but may struggle to feel calm and content in their own minds and bodies. Those adults are trying to raise their children the best they know how. And the kids are trying to navigate their own feelings of anxiety. I believe doing what we have always done may not be the best approach here. 

So I want to share some thoughts from my own parenting journey. There have been a lot of scars and pain. Many things I feared ended up happening, and the ideal vision I had did not come to be. But every difficult story creates an opportunity for a beautiful transformation. And that is what transpired in my life.

Someone that I relied on greatly in my parenting journey is Mark Gregston, the founder of Parenting Today’s Teens. He said, “If you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem.” If this did not turn out to be more true in my family dynamic. 

I came to recognize that I had all this stuff within me that was ego-driven. I had these high expectations and desires for my kids. Attempting to make up for something off-balance in me. I didn’t know I was quieting their inner voice by my strong ego being louder.

I’ll share one specific memory. I recall wanting both my kids to learn piano at various stages in their lives. I set up the lessons, I pushed them to practice, and spend time on this skill. I never really asked them at that younger age, do you want to play piano? Do you like playing piano? I didn’t check in with them along the way or stay in tune with their desires. Now some may think well there is nothing wrong with wanting to expose your children to learn new things. I hear you. But what I want to draw your attention to is to become aware of the underlying emotions that fuel your thoughts, habits, and behaviors. For example, along the journey of each of my kids learning piano. I didn’t recognize my ego being at work. I can remember yelling at my kids to get in their practice on the piano. It’s somewhat embarrassing for me to admit this to you publicly. But I think it is so important to say this out loud. Picture this young child being yelled at constantly to practice the piano. Something that was not dictated by anyone that it had to happen. I can remember being at the annual piano concert and I can still remember the feelings within me of my wanting them to do their best and look their best. None of that was for the child. It was truly my ego wanting to be stroked. 

Ultimately both my kids burned out on piano and wanted nothing more to do with it. Which was a struggle for me, because I really wanted it for them. I can see now, that as a young child, I had such an interest in playing the piano. I used to play this small organ at my grandmother’s. My parents did purchase an organ for me to play at home. But they did not invest in lessons and so I never learned how to play. I was self-taught and could only do little bits and pieces. I always had dreams of being able to play the piano and it never happened. So now I was able to connect the dots that so much of my childhood was coming up as I now dealt with my children. My ego was in a flurry and trying to control this. That is an example of me not being a conscious parent. I was in a state of unconsciousness. 

Overparenting happens when we as parents are anxious. We become so fearful and worried that if something goes wrong we won’t be able to tolerate the anxiety we will feel. This was me. I had anxiety from my own childhood trauma and so I was always trying to avoid feeling anything that didn’t feel good. This manifested into this storybook picture of what my children’s lives would look like. I had a desire for them to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, do good in school, and be good in sports or extracurriculars. I lost my footing in seeing them as an individual that has their own innate wisdom and desires. And this caused much dysfunction within our family. Most definitely with our son, who was our first child. They are the ones we make all the mistakes on right?

I am grateful that I have an opportunity with my daughter, our second child to change some things in my parenting approach. I have chosen to become more of a conscious parent. I have faced the discomfort of working on my own stuff so that I can allow my kids to hear their own inner voice. A voice I was never able to hear and connect to. 

So where do you even start to learn about conscious parenting? I’ve compiled some things to consider.

• I encourage you to read Dr Shefali’s books. The Conscious Parent and The Parenting Map are two great ones to start with. 
• Then I would ask you. Have you been able to find your own inner voice? Has it been muffled? Are you able to connect with it often and feel the peace and joy that can come from living your authentic life?
• Remind yourself that I can have high standards but it should never trump happiness and well-being. This applies to all of us. We the adults and our children. 
• Begin to become aware if you are carrying emotional baggage that is impacting how you respond to your child. Do you presume that you are the greater than, you know more because you are older? I often said you need to respect your elders to my kids. It sounds proper I know. But the issue was the emotional energy I had underneath it all. We miss the fact that when our child acts out, it is our emotional energy that exists. Our energetic imprint is mixed into what is happening. So work on your own issues.
• Engage in mindfulness and self-reflection on a daily basis. This sometimes sounds daunting so we don’t want to do it. But it is so important. 
• Separate your emotional fantasies about what your children will do or become. Allow your children to discover the world for themselves and make their own conclusions. So manage your expectations. 
• Openly communicate with your children. Kids see through the disparity between our words and our actions.
• Treat your children as individuals. 
• Show empathy and compassion. Not just for others but for yourself also. 
• Model healthy mental & physical health habits.
• Give your children freedom and responsibility. 
• And last but not least which I think is one of the most important. Slow down. To become a conscious parent, you need to slow down in every way. This may mean you have to face some hard decisions. You may need to make some unconventional choices. You know, just yesterday I had a situation happen. I think I have been making good progress with my conscious parenting and I had a moment where I was disconnected from what my daughter was saying to me. And let me tell you, they can feel that. Now the beautiful part is my daughter has been given the freedom to have her own authentic voice and so she is not in fear to speak openly to me and so she drew my attention to it. I noticed right away my ego and primitive brain was wanting to respond with defensiveness. I actually started to go there. And then I stopped myself and said wait no excuses, you are right. I was not present in that moment and was pretending to be. I will be more aware in the future. Oh, such a powerful example and moment of connection that was. 

I know this is hard to hear. It was for me. I went to many places wanting people to fix my son, to which they would say there was nothing wrong with him. He is a normal teenager. The problem is generally not with our kids. It lies with us. I do believe it is our responsibility to be conscious of our unconscious thought patterns, behaviors, and habits. There may just be a better way of doing this parenting thing. At least allow yourself to spend some time looking into conscious parenting and see if it would be beneficial for you and your entire family. 

“Just because our children came from us doesn’t mean we get to dictate to them how it is they express their essence.”

Dr. Shefali Tsabary