Acceptance. Seems like such a harmless little word doesn’t it? And yet that word has brought me so much pain, sorrow, frustration, and confusion. What about you? Have you encountered circumstances in your life that you once had difficulty accepting? Maybe you still do? It could be something that has occurred in your life, or in the life of someone you love. Maybe there is someone you care about who has made choices that you struggle with accepting. Maybe it is someone that you have a hard time accepting. A family member. A coworker. I want you to know you are not alone. 

The word acceptance has several definitions. The one I am referring to is within the construct of human psychology. Which is: A person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) that has already happened or been decided without attempting to change it or protest it. 

Ok, so let’s make that simpler. It is learning how to find peace with a circumstance or a person that you cannot change so that you can live a life free from being in conflict with it. 

So I am sure you are thinking…well where do I start Carisa? 

I believe mindfulness is required before we can move to acceptance. You must be aware of what your thoughts, feelings, and actions are saying. As those will often conflict with your capacity to accept something. 

For example, I can say that I accept your decision to leave the Mom’s group we are in and then I will go tell everyone about your decision and share my areas of disagreement with it. That is not acceptance. 

Or I pretend to like you family member, but inside I am just unraveled because I cannot deal with the things you say or the way you act. So I try to smile and I vent about it to my husband later. That is not acceptance. 

Or maybe in honor of the political shit show that we are about to embark on, I share my views with you, and they heavily contradict yours. You spend so much time trying to convince me that my perspective or view is wrong. That is not acceptance. 

True acceptance is hard. Acceptance is one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to take on. I’m still on that journey for sure. 

First off we have to get extremely clear and factual on what it is that we aren’t able to accept. Is it rooted in feelings and opinions? Is it something that you would even have a right to control for someone else? You have to be very concise and clear on what it is that you are struggling to accept and then ask yourself if you have a right to impose your lack of acceptance on someone else.

I have had so many examples in my life where acceptance was just not something I was intentional about. I would continue to claw and scratch my way to a different outcome. And I would say at those times I was not mindful at all. 

Recently I spoke with my son about my being able to open up and share more in depth about our journey as mother and son. He supports me fully and granted me that latitude. Can I just say I love him so much? He is 22 and has turned out to be my greatest teacher and my greatest inspiration to change my ways. 

You see, for many many years I was not accepting of him as he was. I had this vision in my mind of what I wanted him to be. I wanted him to do better than I did. I made some choices that I have regretted throughout my life and so I was hyper-focused on making him the re-creation. The proof that I am a good person. I am a great Mom. He will behave exactly like this. He will be amazing at sports and set personal records. He will be great at things I like to do, like cycling for example. I will get him to want to train like me. He will excel in his studies and he will get great grades. He will have this bright future that I didn’t feel like I had. I had it all planned out for him. 

Well, what do you think happened? It didn’t go so well. I’ll be sharing more about this as I go forward. But from an overarching perspective, our relationship broke down. Because I wasn’t open to learning who he was authentically meant to be. I wasn’t open to giving him the space to explore. Make mistakes. Try new things. 

And when a relationship becomes one-sided, it has nowhere to grow. 

What I want to accomplish with this writing is that you look at the areas circumstances, or people in your life where you lack acceptance. And you get to the bottom of the facts of it. What is true here? Why does this bother me? Why am I trying to control someone else? Even children are meant to have their own identity and spirit. We are meant to be guides and put up boundaries and keep them safe and cared for. Why do we have to make everything look the right way?? This story that we each create in our minds. 

So I wanted to give you some steps to work through, as you think about this topic of acceptance. 

1. Clarify what you can control. Getting factual on being honest and connecting to your highest self on what is actually happening here and should I have a right to not want to accept it. 
2. Acknowledge your feelings. I don’t want you to think you can’t feel a certain way. I want you to get curious about where that is coming from. Often it comes from stories and situations in our childhood that we haven’t really processed and dealt with in a healthy manner. I want you to feel what you feel and then say yes, but…this is not my place. 
3. Identify your fears. Along the lines of the prior point. Get to the bottom of what is really bothering you, or what you are making this thing mean that you aren’t wanting to accept. Often there is a story there. 
4. Focus on what you can control. Get clear on what your sphere of influence really is in this situation. I’ve said this in many messages before this one. In case you haven’t figured it out yet. We are not meant to control other human adults. And I would go a step further and say that once our kids begin to really explore their own identity we are not meant to script that for them either. Again, it is about healthy boundaries and guardrails. But you have to do the steps before this one to even decide what is a healthy boundary or guardrail. 
5. Have compassion for yourself. Our brain was created to keep us safe and look for danger. So anything it perceives as a threat to our well-being it is going to draw your attention to it and often make you feel like this is something imminent that needs your involvement. 

It is my hope that you will truly do the work and ask yourself where and what am I not accepting in my life and it is causing me pain & suffering. I am telling you first hand. I resisted acceptance in so many situations in my life and it caused me so much pain. Resistance about the childhood I had. Resistance that my parents didn’t have a happy healthy marriage. Resistance that I was in a family business that I never really felt like I decided on. Resistance when my parents separated. Resistance for my son and who he was trying to become. Resistance for who my daughter will become. Resistance when my Dad passed away. Resistance to doing the work of going back to my childhood. I resisted it all!!! 

But I challenged myself and asked myself why. Why do I resist what is actually happening around me? What right do I have to impose everything I believe on everyone else? And as I have learned to explore, get curious, comfort myself, and ultimately accept, I have the peace in my heart and mind that I am doing all my creator asked of me. To love my neighbor as I would love myself. 

If you are someone you know is having trouble with accepting something in their life have them message me. You can reach me on all my social channels and at LifeCoachingwithCarisa.com. I offer 1-hour complimentary coaching sessions so you can find out if our working together could be helpful for you. When you are stuck or in pain, what have you got to lose?

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.”

George Orwell