This is going to be all about never being good enough. I am adding some humor to this message with a personal story about eyebrows. My eyebrows. This is my eyebrow gate scandal story. But I don’t want that to take away from the seriousness of this message I intend to convey.
I want this to be a cautionary tale. I am 50 years old and at this point in my life, there is not too much that bothers me about how I look. When I was younger, yes, comments did get through, and I was at times self-conscious. I used to be called Miss Piggy because my nose turned up. I remember that one sticking with me for a bit.
So perhaps it was born out of that, but I have made an effort to retrain my brain in how it views my physical appearance. I will tell you truthfully that I am comfortable with my appearance nearly 100% of the time. Maybe with the one exception of when I still have acne breakouts at 50! Those do bother me a bit. Just so annoying to still deal with this sometimes.
Looking back, I can recall a point in my late teens and early 20’s I began to appreciate more of who I was. I wore my hair pretty short. I wore bright red lipstick. I didn’t care what anyone thought about my style. I remember having people comment on my short hairstyle and I just became that much more confident in being true to myself. And maybe that is what part of it was, I was being defiant to the naysayers. I did have a defiant streak in me.
Then I recall shortly after turning 40, I decided I just didn’t want to mess with coloring my hair anymore. I had some naysayers but I began the journey of embracing my gray. I recall numerous times at business functions, people commented on my super short or gray hair and I just let it roll off. Didn’t let it linger in my mind. I felt good about doing what felt good to me.
Regarding my weight. I’ve had some ups and downs in life for sure with my weight. And while I always did seem to have goals to be a certain healthy weight, I did try to not allow it to become something I obsessed over. Obsessed in the sense that I worried about what other people thought. I wouldn’t worry about getting in a bathing suit to go to the pool, beach, or the lake. Even among the ups and downs of my weight
Looking back at all these situations, I can confidently say that I have done what I wanted to do and didn’t overly worry about what other people thought. And to take it a step further, when I look in the mirror, I am happy with who and what I see looking back at me.
So, let me tell you, it was quite a surprise that now at age 50 I had something happen that I allowed to get through this resiliency I have built up. My circumstance made me think about those who find themselves in a similar situation who beat up on themselves and feel poorly because of the opinion of someone else. Whether you are young or old, you may find yourself in this position if you haven’t already.
So here is what happened. I create social posts and videos to offer helpful, inspiring content and spread the word about my coaching business. One of my recent videos received a comment on YouTube. So I went to review it.
This is the comment I received:
“Sorry but your haircut and eyebrows instantly disqualifies you from teaching life advice. That’s a CHOICE. You are LITERALLY CHOOSING TO KEEP YOUR EYEBROWS THAT FAR APART even after looking at yourself in the damn mirror and think it’s okay. It’s like taking health advice from a fat person and then being 1000lbs. and saying it’s okay to look like this.”
Wow. Can we just pause and take a breath after that mouthful.
So I obviously don’t know who wrote this lovely collection of words.
The funny thing is, you know what my first thought was? Wow, am I popular enough now to have haters? Maybe that is a huge breakthrough!
Seriously though. At first, I didn’t think much about it. But you know what? A short time later, when I happened to be looking in the mirror that night, I found myself staring at my eyebrows. Starting to feel insecure. I was like, wait a minute, what is happening? Is this really bothering me right now?
It’s true, I have had my share of eyebrow issues. As I was aging and they began to turn gray and have a different texture, I began to over-tweeze them which I don’t think was a great plan, because I had noticed they were shrinking. So here I was staring at my eyebrows and thinking I wish I would have never started messing with them. Remember Carisa, the days of having those full, thick brown eyelashes.
Sigh.
But seriously, I have done so much mindset work, and I don’t tend to be bothered by things like this. Like I said, I overcame my short hair, my gray hair. All the opinions people have had about me. All the things.
So, if I could be thrown off by this, I just knew that it has to be affecting so many. In this digital world where everyone can hide behind a screen and say anything they want. It really leaves us vulnerable if we don’t have a strong sense of self-love and respect.
The statistics show that women suffer from this scenario more than men, so I wanted to take this situation that just occurred with me and plead to all the women and girls out there to put importance on loving you. The National Organization for Women shared that by age 13, 53% of girls are unhappy with their bodies, and this grows to 78% by the time girls are seventeen. When asked “Are you happy with your body?” 43% of teens answered yes, and 38% of women in their 60’s answered yes. That is not high enough. Right?? By 60, we are still worried about how our body is. When will this madness stop?
We were given a body. We were given all the features. And yes, that all does change over time. We see from these statistics that our view of ourselves gets worse with age. It has to be this story of what perfect is right? But we all intellectually know there is no such thing as perfect. Still, we will live in this place of believing it about ourselves. And then we can be pushed to hide our so-called flaws. It is just so sad. This silly eyebrow gate made me realize we are just random occurrences away from picking ourselves apart and chipping away at the view we have of ourselves. Imagine if someone deals with this all the time. I don’t care how strong and resilient you are. You may find it getting through.
The fact is I was the one who got to decide what that comment did to me. I could use it against myself or I could look at the comment and say, do you like your eyebrows? Yes? No? And then move on. It is harmful when we just believe these things that people say without choosing for ourselves what we like. We cannot give others that sort of power and control over our mental state and decision-making.
This selfie culture emphasizes outward beauty. That is all we see anymore. So-called Beautiful people. But as you grow up, you will realize that people you see as beautiful are that way for every reason other than outward beauty. You know what I mean? We love them for their sense of humor, their friendship, their love, and compassion. We love them for their generosity and their kind spirit. Their strength and fight. I don’t think any of us say, I really love that person because they are beautiful.
So let’s stop believing this matters. Let’s learn to see our self-worth. Remind yourself why people love you. What are their reasons? Ask them. If you don’t hear because you’re beautiful, because you have perfect facial features, then ask yourself why you are falling into this beauty trap.
I know that my eyebrows have absolutely nothing to do with my worth as a person or a coach. They are just one of many features I have. But people love me for everything else that I am.
I challenge you to ask some people in your inner circle and write down all the things they say that they love about you. How many of those things listed are related to outward beauty? The evidence is all around it. But we have to be mindful. We have to look for it. Seek it out. And then believe it with all that we are. If you’re a Mom, I know for a fact that when you hold your baby for the first time, all you see is beauty. Let us always see what our Mothers see. Pure beauty inside and out.
It’s going to take time to change this path we’ve been on. But start with yourself and all the ladies or little girls around you. Let them know, that they must first be in love with themselves and who they are, or else they will listen to any nonsense that someone sends their way.
So a couple few key takeaways:
- Replace the negative self-talk. Just make it a rule. Stop it. If you catch yourself, replace it with a positive. If you hear someone else doing it, ask them to replace it with a positive. Or you offer them one. And when someone pays you a compliment, stop explaining it. Just say THANK YOU!
- Work on generating self-love. Think about what you love and appreciate about your body. All of your features. Think about the love of your Mother when she saw you for the first time. Can you challenge yourself to see what she did?
- Watch what you follow on social media. Choose the content wisely. Pick things that reinforce a healthy self-image. Don’t feed your brain with junk and expect to get high-quality thoughts in return.
Thank you person I don’t know for calling out my eyebrows. You made me pause and see how close I could be to listening and letting negativity in. So this was my reminder to stay vigilant. To stay mindful of what I allow to enter my precious brain space. And you inspired me to send love to all the ladies and little girls out there who are beautiful and perfect just as they are. Perfectly imperfect!
If you or someone you know is struggling with issues like this one, I encourage you to visit LifeCoachingwithCarisa.com and book a complimentary coaching session on my easy-to-use scheduling page. Learning some new tools and concepts could be life-changing for you or someone you care about.
“I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet. ”
Mahatma Gandhi