Hey everyone, Life Coach Carisa here! Tell me the truth: what is it you’re not doing that you really want to, because a voice in your head says you’re not capable? We all have it – that internal voice that tries to keep us safe, but ultimately keeps us from pursuing things that would truly light us up.
The common feeling at play here is often self-doubt, and the self-talk sounds like it’s rooted in truth and fact, but in reality, it’s just words. The sentences can sound like: “Who do you think you are to be able to do that?” or “You always quit on yourself when you try new things like this.”
The first step is to ask ourselves: Do I even believe this? Where did this story come from?
The Inherited Fear of Standing Out
This fear of visibility is often an inherited pattern. Childhood narratives like “be seen and not heard” or “don’t show your emotion” start to change us. We modify ourselves to fit the situation, and these subtle, unspoken messages become a coping mechanism – our autopilot behavior.
For me, failure was a very ugly word. As a child, I was exposed to a narrative where I didn’t want to ever do anything that stretched me enough that there could be a chance of failure. So, I stayed small.
I have a specific memory that illustrates this perfectly. In elementary school, I won a spelling bee and went on to the city competition. Despite being from an introverted, shy family, I mustered up the courage to go. My father came with me, which put an immense pressure on me to perform. When I got there, I was so overwhelmed that when I went up for my first word, despite knowing how to spell it, I completely misspelled it just so I could sit down as fast as possible. In the car ride back, not a word was said. The message I took from that was: “Don’t put yourself in those vulnerable situations next time.” This single event ended up following me for decades, keeping me small until I faced that fear in my fifties.
The Connection to Imposter Syndrome
The fear of standing out is directly linked to imposter syndrome. The core belief is that we don’t have the evidence to prove we can succeed. We don’t have confidence in something until we actually do it. However, we can cultivate that belief not just through action, but through our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
The “Safety” of Staying Small
So, why is staying small so tempting? We are really just protecting ourselves from uncomfortable emotions like failure, embarrassment, or vulnerability. But once we learn that emotions are just vibrations in our body, we can handle anything. The worst that can happen is an uncomfortable feeling, and you can handle that.
My own turning point came when I was in a career that no longer resonated with me. The fear of doing something different was debilitating. I started by changing the sentences in my head from: “There’s nothing else I can do” to “I bet there is something out there that I could do.” This created just enough space for me to eventually leave a 35-year career, start a coaching practice, and even write a book. I had no evidence I could do it, but I knew the worst that could happen would be an uncomfortable feeling.
Practical Steps to Start Playing Bigger
For someone who wants to start playing bigger, here’s what you can do right now:
- Dream Without Judgment: Want to change careers but aren’t sure what to do? Allow yourself to sit and dream without judgment. Make a list of all the possibilities you can imagine. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between visualizing and doing, so this process will build your confidence even before you take a single tangible step.
- Start Small: Pick a minimum baseline action that moves you toward your bigger goal. Want to write a book? Start writing blogs or social media posts from your heart. Journaling daily. These small actions will build your confidence and find your voice.
Why It Matters!
For me, playing bigger has meant making an impact in the world on my own terms. It’s not about fame or success, but about seeking the peace and contentment that comes from living in alignment with my true self.
This doesn’t mean I live a life without challenges. It just means I know how to comfort and guide myself through them. The ultimate benefit is an unrelenting freedom, peace, and fulfillment you can create by letting your authentic self shine through and knowing that your best is always enough.
Want to dive deeper into this topic and hear more of my personal insights? I invite you to watch my latest video.
Would you like to understand and rewrite your ingrained patterns? Check out my book, “Why Am I Like This?”, available on Amazon! You can learn more about my book at LifeCoachingwithCarisa.com/my-book. If you are ready to apply this to your life, schedule a free clarity call on my website.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
Eleanor Roosevelt