I am back with you today to talk all about the action of saying I’m sorry. 

Now, this is not to be confused with another post I created previously titled Unnecessary apologizing. That is all about having this habit of apologizing for everything even when it is not necessary. We say it to everyone about everything and it can feed into us feeling responsible for everything going on around us. I am a recovering unnecessary apologizer. I would apologize for random things that I really didn’t need to be sorry for. It was this habit that really distorted my ability to properly utilize the phrase.

Now on the flip side when I should have been using the phrase I’m sorry to apologize for my actions, it was difficult for me to do so. I have spent some time looking into this to figure out why. And that is what I want to share in this post.

I want to talk about why we may avoid saying I’m sorry. Why it can be so hard to say it. Also how we can begin to view I’m sorry differently so we can expand and enrich our relationships with ourselves and others. 

So first, I want to ask you. Have you noticed if you have a hard time apologizing? Can you easily say the words I’m sorry? If you can, do you authentically say it from the heart? Have you ever noticed the feelings that come up in your body when you say it? 

This may not be an issue for everyone. Some of you may not have any issue with this at all and you’re thinking….wait someone has an issue with saying their sorry? Yes, I can tell you that for some it is very common to struggle with getting those words out. And even more so saying it with true meaning and intention. Maybe you or someone you know struggles with this. If so, I encourage you to read on as I share the ins and outs of I’m sorry. 

So what does I’m sorry mean? Saying I’m sorry is acknowledging that you feel regret or that you feel bad about something. 

Apologizing is taking responsibility for our actions. Whether we did something accidentally or intentionally, we really need to take responsibility. So why can this be so hard to do?

Well, here are 4 reasons that cause an apology to be difficult. 

1. The psychological impact those 2 words can have on us. Specifically saying I’m sorry connects to our ego. Our ego is our sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Our ego can be a protective mechanism that shields us from the pain of failure. If we apologize for something we did that was “bad” then we must be “bad” people and this can invoke feelings of shame which we of course do not like to feel. So saying the words I’m sorry can connect on such a deeper level. 
2. It feels easier to deny the hurt we’ve caused. Again, because acknowledging it can negatively impact the way we view ourselves. If we acknowledge and verbalize what we did to someone else we now have the awareness and it’s something that as much as we would like to just ignore it and have it go away it is there. But the immediate pleasure of just denying it or overlooking it allows us some comfort in that moment so it is an appealing idea to just ignore or deny it and move on without further regard to anyone else.
3. We did not see examples of this behavior. Did you have a parent or a caregiver who was incapable of apologizing or saying I’m sorry? When they did say it, could you feel the true emotion behind it? Or did they say the words and then turn around and repeat the undesirable behavior yet again? To where, I’m sorry lost all sincere meaning for you. If you didn’t have a role model that normalized it, of course, it could be difficult for you. 
4. We may fear further accusations and conflict. Maybe they won’t accept our apology. How many of you have thought that before? While some individuals may see apologizing as a way to mend the conflict and move forward others have fear of additional floodgates opening of things they did wrong. Or lack of acceptance from the other person. It creates vulnerability which our primitive brain is not exactly on board with.

So in sharing some of my personal experience with this. I know for sure that all of these reasons impacted me one way or another. It wasn’t until I started doing this type of work that I noticed the dysfunction I felt with the phrase I’m sorry. Like I said earlier. I was using it in situations where it wasn’t really applicable and then avoiding it in situations where it was warranted. I had to uncover why this is. 

One factor I believe was at play was that I heard my father say on several occasions, “I never apologize.” It appeared to be said with pride. So I really did grow up thinking apologizing is a bad thing. You may be thinking well why would he have said that. I don’t really know the answer to that. The only thing I can figure out is that these were things he learned from someone in his life. I believe my father was an undiagnosed narcissist and these things are typically a pattern of behavior that resides in families and can be passed down to generations. As a child, you don’t have the mental capacity to question everything that is exampled to you. You just sort of pick it up and adapt to it. As humans, we want to fit in. So of course a child in a family unit is not going to question and disregard what they experience from those who are in a position of authority. 

But as adults, this is where we have the option and ability to question these old well-known belief systems and ask the magical question….Do I still believe this? What do I believe is true?

I can recall situations with my husband during dating and then our marriage where I knew I was either saying something incorrect or I was mistaken and I would have a really hard time saying I was wrong and apologizing for it. It was this feeling of being protective, and defensive. Obviously, I associated saying that phrase with there being something wrong with me. 

I definitely recognized a strong pattern of having to get the last word. Have you ever had that? Yeah, it’s a fight not worth fighting I can tell you that. Not only in exchanges with adults but oh my goodness, teenagers too! No one wins! And we actually lose more than just that one argument. We lose touch with our true selves and connection with the other person. 

I can recall situations where I was not happy with how I responded or handled a situation with our teenage son and I had such an averse reaction to apologizing. I just wouldn’t do it. That was not emotionally healthy. 

I knew that I had this strong emotional and physical response to being wrong. I needed to be right. Being right became the mission and I would disconnect from what was actually going on in a situation. It felt very necessary. 

So if you notice this is an area you could use some growth in. Here is a statement we all need to remember. When we leave all the blame to others, we don’t learn anything. And if you aren’t learning then you are dying. Learning, evolving, and growing who we are is the secret to finding peace, contentment, and living a joyful, fulfilled life. 

Over the past 3 years, I have sincerely used “I’m sorry” more than the 40-plus years before that.

And you know….it feels amazing. Do I like that I do something that warrants an I’m sorry? No, of course not. But being able to recognize when I have regret about something I did or said and coming from a loving place telling that person specifically what I did and that I am sorry for it is so rewarding. When I approach my husband, my son, or my daughter and I explain what I did and that I feel badly for it I activate something in my brain that I grow from. I know that I don’t want to repeat that experience so I will be more mindful next time. It’s not a situation where I am apologizing for the same things over and over again without the growth and change that comes from it. Some habits are hard to break and it takes a couple times perhaps but the growth I experience is worth it. Not to mention in the case of my kids, they are learning the example of true apology. Not to apologize for things that don’t really apply. But to sincerely and honestly admit when we have done wrong and be strong enough to tell the person. And not have it cut away at our strong sense of self. 

So what would an example of a healthy I’m sorry look like? A true apology is so much more than the phrase or statement. It should be sincere, vulnerable, and intentional. What I have made a new habit of is clearly explaining the behavior or act that I recognize was hurtful and I say that. I say I am sorry that I argued with you. I knew inside that I was wrong but my strong sense of ego wouldn’t allow me to say it in that moment, but I see it now. I will be more aware of when I am dismissing your idea or opinion because I want to be right. Your idea made sense and was the way to go, I see that now. This was an actual situation I had with my husband by the way. I tell him all the time…when we are trying to figure out how to tackle something around the house, he is right nearly 99% of the time and my brain tries to make every scenario the 1% where I am right. It’s hilarious. But by my acknowledging it and explaining it, I have the awareness and so I do that much less now. That is where the growth is. And that is what strengthens relationships. We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to have humility and acknowledge when we have some growing to do. 

So take a look at how you handle I’m sorry. What comes up for you? What do those situations look like? What example are you setting? Start with questioning your behaviors and create the awareness to decide if you like the results you are getting in your life. 

Alright, everyone, that is what I have for you today. Until next time, I am sending you the strength to be able to say you’re sorry when you need to and the ability to offer forgiveness to those who are asking it of you. 

“If a person says sorry often, it doesn’t mean they are always wrong. It means they value their relationships more than their ego.”

Unknown