I am here to offer some support for all the nitpickers out there. 

That word really carries a negative connotation with it doesn’t it?

I can really relate to nitpicking so I don’t want you to feel shame about this. I am sharing this to support my fellow nitpickers out there. I would say I am actually a recovering nitpicker. I still have some work to do, but I am so much better than I used to be.

I want to clarify what nitpicking is, what it can look like, why we tend to do this, and how we can make improvements in this area should we want to.

OK, so what is nitpicking?

The Google definition says it is giving too much attention to details that are not important, especially as a way of criticizing. So some individuals may do this without even realizing it. Perhaps it has become such a habit and autopilot behavior that you aren’t even tuned in to it. You may not even be self-aware enough to recognize when you have nitpicked and how it is impacting the relationship with someone close to you. 

And then on the flip side, maybe someone said to you along the way, stop nitpicking me, and that was the first time you had been made aware that your behavior was upsetting to someone. Now, I am not contradicting myself here. I teach tools to help us all build our emotional intelligence and resilience to not allow the words or actions of others to knock us off balance. This is an individual choice, to allow someone else to disrupt our emotional peace. However, I do believe that if we as individuals are conducting ourselves in such a way that either brings negativity to our own energy or those of others around us, we should want to improve this about ourselves.

I mean honestly, I used to be more self-focused that I wasn’t entirely aware of of how my behaviors were adding negativity to my own life and those around me that I cared for. 

It wasn’t until I increased my consciousness with my actions and behaviors that I was picking up on the shifts in energy happening. And then taking it a step further than just awareness and wanting to change that. But you know what, I get it…it is hard to change our habits. It takes us being intentional and wanting to be better and do better. 

My focus over the last couple of years has been to bring more light and positivity into the world and less negative energy. 

So I shared the definition of nitpicking. Let’s bring this into our everyday life and look closer at what this may look like. 

While there are endless examples, here are some common indicators you may be nitpicking:

-you think your way is the best way

-you feel the desire to point out when people are wrong

-you can’t help but say I told you so

-you tend to complain a lot

-you criticize yourself

-you can be stubborn

-you criticize your spouse or partner

-you have high expectations of your children

-you focus on the small details

-you struggle to delegate

-you are overly sensitive

-you are a perfectionist

-you feel like you want to improve others and make them “better”

I am sure many of us can relate to some or all of these in our life….if we get very intentional about it. Remember, your primitive brain will not really want to look at this and feel the emotions that come up because it doesn’t feel great when you acknowledge this behavior. And what is the main goal of our primitive brain? To seek pleasure, and comfort and to exert as little energy as possible. 

Okay now…why do we do this?

In the past, I’ve talked about how our brain is wired to focus on what is wrong in any situation. This means we can take any circumstance we are in and your brain is going to point out to you everything that doesn’t seem right about it. This view can come from experiences from our past. Stored emotions. Thought loops. Belief systems. All of these contribute to the story that is happening in our minds. So you have this brain that is often subconsciously looking for what doesn’t seem right. What doesn’t match up in your brain, and it says hey look at this. As if it is so crucial and of great importance. This is why we must be the gatekeepers of what activity is happening in our brains. We must raise our levels of consciousness. 

I really believe that insecurities are a big part of nitpicking. If I fear or am hyper-aware of something in my life, I will see it in others and I will feel the need to address it. Isn’t that crazy? We often struggle to be self-aware enough about ourselves, and yet we will feel no hesitation in pointing something out to others.

I spent some time reflecting on examples where I used to nitpick and some things I absolutely still struggle with today. 

The first one that came to mind was my husband’s desire for certain foods. I am usually trying to be good with my health & wellness and so when I see my husband making a choice that I would like to have but I have deemed that as something I didn’t plan to have, I will nitpick him. I will make a comment on what he is doing or how he is doing it. Now, the facts are we are both grown adults and can do whatever we want. No one is stopping me from doing what I want to. But because of the insecurity I have with my own struggles, I will turn it into picking on him. So unfair right? And not at all showing up how I really want to. 

Another one was nitpicking my kids. I would get hyper-focused on something that really wasn’t a big deal and then pick at them about it. Maybe it was them not putting the new roll of toilet paper on and throwing the old empty core away. Or saying something when they chose to wear the same hoodie several times in one week. Well what usually happens in this case? Sometimes they block you out because the message is so repetitive. Sometimes they do it more just to spite you. The result is rarely, you know Mom you are right I am going to stop this or change this right now. Thank you for being so insightful. I mean really if someone is pointing out something with you, do you love it? Are you just ready and willing to hear them out and start applying their advice immediately? That is extremely rare let me tell you. It goes against the nature of our primitive brain. 

Gosh, there are so many more examples that I can recall and some I am still actively working on. I am a work in progress on this for sure. 

But the good news is, as I became aware that I was doing it number one, and then knowing what caused it for me, I began to gain control over it. I moved to consciousness and I can decide. 

I can tell you that I am much better about letting the little stuff slide and focusing on the things that really are so much more important. And this change hasn’t just impacted our own family. I notice I nitpick myself less. I used to pick apart aspects of my appearance. That spot on my face. That new wrinkle, that bulge of skin that didn’t used to be there. I used to be less patient with people. Customer service workers, servers, I would nitpick. I do this so much less now and guess what I am so much calmer, happier, and more at peace in my everyday life. 

Okay, so the most important part here is obviously recognizing it to begin with. You can get better at this by listening to others without blocking or having an agenda. You can get better at picking up on the emotional cues of others when they are showing signs of being uncomfortable. 

Then here are some ideas on how to make improvements when you have recognized that you may be a nitpicker. 

-One of the big ones is having self-control. Managing my emotions has been huge in lowering the temperature of what connects to me. I do this by being sure to include a daily self-care routine that keeps me in a calm state of consciousness. I journal and reflect on things I said during the day. I pay attention when I feel off and I look closer at why that is. So my emotional intelligence muscle has been working out and has grown. You can do this too. 

-Ask yourself why you aren’t more accepting of others and how can I increase my tolerance? I love to ask myself what about this bothers me and why? What is the story in my brain that is leading me to take these actions? Do I like how I am showing up? Usually taking a pause and asking myself these questions I can get to the bottom of it. And then I am off to the races because knowledge is power. Once you see it, and understand it, you can decide how you want to evolve from that point. 

-Be nice. Just make your new default to be nice. Even when something doesn’t look right to you. Again, we are mostly talking about trivial, inconsequential things here. Ask yourself, how can I just be nice here. Maybe being nice would look like being helpful. Maybe ask them if they want help and then offer support and be collaborative if they are willing to accept it. 

Respect that everyone is unique and they have an individual right to be that way. Your ideas and beliefs do not trump theirs. And if you are steadfast that you are right, good luck with that. Tell me how often it has worked that your nitpicking changed the mind and heart of someone else? Let them evolve at their own pace. If they do, it will be much more likely to be a change they stick with because they discovered it themself. 

So, do some reflection. Do you tend to nitpick? Who do you do it to? What situations and patterns do you notice you are doing it? What is the true story? Are these petty little things in the whole view of life? Is your brain making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be? How can I be more accepting of others and where they are in their journey? Maybe I need to lower my expectations? Maybe I need to show myself more love and acceptance. 

When you lessen the nitpicking, you will find more peace and joy. Constant criticism fractures relationships. If this is a habit you have, spend some time learning how to let go of your own flaws, and the flaws of others and live a more peaceful, content life. 

I am sending you the strength to look at your unhealthy behavior patterns with compassion and non-judgement so that you can move beyond them and enjoy your life more each and every day.  

“I feel so low that instead of picking myself up, I have to cut others down.”

Pope Francis